Wet, Hot Australia

So it has been a wet, hot Australian Weekend. On Friday, Jackie and some other Bondees were picked up and brought to, “Spot X” for a surfing extravaganza. A ‘super secret surf location’ in just north of Coff’s Harbor in New South Wales, Spot X was the base camp for Mojo Surf Company, and it was unbelievable. We stayed in four person cabins in a National Park, and we were the only people on this private, pristine beach. The whole setting was surreal. So between the surf, the bonfires at night and the nachos we ate for every other meal, the whole weekend was incredible. We even got to experience our bus driver slamming on his brakes, throwing the bus in park and running out into the road to wrangle a 2.5 meter snake from the road with his bare hands, thus providing me with the excuse I needed to say variations of, "Crickey! He's irritating the creature in it's natural habitat!" 119 times.

And then the time came to drive back.

Apparently, the luxury bus that drove us to Spot X, driven by our buddy, Dan, was full. So, Jackie, myself and a few other lucky souls got to drive for 3 hours back to Byron Bay with Kevvie and some other guy, both of whom were Mojo surf employees, in a large van. I say, ‘some other guy’ because this chap, as well as Kevvie, were British with Australian accents and were completely impossible to understand. Kevvie, especially, because he was missing a front tooth (he got punched by an angry girl) and did “Borat impressions” every other 10 seconds.

If I ruled the world, Kevvie would not do Borat impressions. That is because he would have no teeth. Because I would finish what that other girl started and knock all of his teeth out.

Kevvie has what I’m sure experts would call, “Acute Napoleon Syndrome.” He blasted the worst techno obnoxiously loud because he knew everyone in the car hated it, but also to compensate for his lack of conversational know-how, and he drove madly fast and erratic so to prove his masculinity... and compensate for his 5’ 4” stature.

After an hour of my brain rattling in my head from techno so loud my cranked iPod was drowned out, I stood up and screamed ever so politely to turn the techno down. He lowered the techno slightly, but balanced out the request by swerving into pedestrians, and slamming the breaks of the Van on and off to ‘make the Van dance!’

Long story short, the ride climax of the trip occurred when, having nearly struck a young girl with the Van and laughing about it, I muttered, “What the f___ is your problem.” Having fired myself up by that question, I stood up, and, screaming as loud as I could, said to Kevvie, “YOU’RE A F___ING TOOL!” And then I ground my gum into the carpet of that God Forsaken Van. THE END.

And Now Cultural Lessons:

-In my previous post I mentioned that Aussies look down upon the Greek System. Well guess what Australia!? You have “drinking clubs!” You “rush” a drinking club (whether BASIC, Cathedral, or Volume, for example), pay dues, and go to parties and drinking events hosted by your club. Umm… isn’t that a fraternity without any pretense of philanthropy or community involvement?

-Mini Van cabs are SO easy to get here. It’s amazing.

-In Australia, if you are collecting unemployment (welfare equivalent) you must perform community service to continue to receive assistance. If Massachusetts did this, even Springfield could look like Montreal within the year, fo sho!

-Australia is exactly like the 4th of July. Only minus the really good potato and pasta salads. And the Jello molds. And 9/10ths of the fireworks. And the part where people actually know why the hell they’re celebrating. But other than that… carbon copy.

-Absinthe in not illegal in Australia, which terrifies me. Also you can buy every type of mixed drink in canned, 6-pack form.

-Surf rash is no joke. I screamed like a little girl when the saltwater hit it the next day.

-We drove down a road yesterday and passed, in a row, a KFC, a Red Rooster, a Subway, a Target and a K-Mart. God Bless America—bringing democracy, saturated fat and eco-unfriendly chain stores to a nation near you.

Finally, Some Memorable Moments I’d Just Like to Share:

-“If you drink like a girl, you hang out with girls. You drink like a guy (gestures to our quickly disappearing bottle of Jack Daniels), you get the guys.” -Miss Jackie Perry

-(Looking at me) “I’m killing you right now. Hahaha. My foot is on your throat. Hahahaha. You’re dead. AHAHAHAHAH!”

and

-“SMOKEY!!! NOOOOOOOO!” -Jamie

-Dickinson Cider

-Good friends make you laugh hysterically on skype by asking, “So, Cait, how is the toga class going?” Because they are the shit. Then they ask for a shout out in the blog. Then they try to record you singing and post it to Youtube.

-JP, we miss you so much! Can’t wait for you to visit! ESKIMO KISSES! :)